believe what you will, but i am more afraid and affected than i let on. and it works as a double-edged sword.i.e. it backfires..yes..on myself. no one can help solve my problems or help diminish my fears but i wasn't expecting the total lack of empathy. worse still if you make a mockery or a joke at my expense, even if i look distressed or try to explain that it bothers me. it just proves you weren't really listening. NO ONE LISTENS.
so i'll stop talking about it altogether.
perhaps i'm overreacting and need to grow up. but i can't help the way i feel now. and the good thing is i can't wait to go now. it's just what i need at this point and hey, at least i have the guts to go alone. that's a first step. and if this sojourn isn't a true test of character, nothing else will be. for a long time anyway.
but i guess that wasnt the point i was trying to make.
from this moment forth, there shall be no more.
no more expectations. and disappointment is a state this being will not know.
the irony was i already knew better. but you keep trying for the glimmer of hope..until your faith in everyone is torn to shreds.
i don't care if this entry sounds completely cryptic and like i'm out of my mind. truth is, no one should care much anyway.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
sad and yet banishes any sense of solitude.
the work never ends.
i think my face is sagging from the weight of my eyebags.
Sometimes we all need to be reminded of who we are and how far we've come from the younger days.
Since i've spent the bulk of recess week either in school or flopping about at home, i woulda thought i'd stop procrastinating on the very last day before classes begin, but no...i never learn my lesson and now the undone work has piled up alarmingly.
If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted was a little piece of you
Please sir, don't you walk away
i could drown in her voice :]
If life is a river and your heart is a boat
And just like a water baby, baby, born to float,
And if life is a wild wind that blows way on high,
And your heart is Amelia dying to fly
Heaven knows no frontiers,
And I've seen heaven in your eyes
the sleeping hours are getting really ridiculous. if i were truly up doing work, it wouldn't be half as bad.
another time, another place.
sometimes, i think i could be prepared for this..but maybe there's no way of being prepared. i'm terrified. and will be.
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
Please just save me from this darkness
blepharospasm - a focal dystonia of the muscles around the eyes. The causes are caffeine, fatigue or irritants.
Haha. Will try to get more sleep. i haven't been able to get by w/o caffeine recently.
Why do I have to fly
Over every town up and down the line,
I'll die in the clouds above
But you that I defend, I do not love
I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired to be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
really nice song :]
1. I finally coloured my hideous hair!
2. Yesterday, I slept a total of 16 hours. So today, I was miss cranky-pants. Still am. 16 hours is overkill. I really need to learn not to overdo things.
3. My dad reminded me that i'll be away the first half of next year. and i was momentarily startled..because i'd sort of forgotten. well, you put certain things out of your mind when you're caught up with school..and other things.
4. Existence precedes essence - Satre. and we are condemned to be responsible for our free choices.
5. I need/want a holiday, not a recess week.
6. My aunt gave me three new(old) glamour uk mags.Yaynesss..I'm a mag whore.
I think for a long time and at the back of my mind, i wondered why i seemed reticent or unwilling to speak as openly as i wanted with the people whom i thought i could be comfortable telling anything to. It did partially contribute to the stress and unhappiness that i've been facing and it did take quite a while for me to realise it but at least its quite apparent now. i suppose its plain obvious why i felt uncomfortable even giving them this add. which seemed strange then but now not so on hindsight. Ok it is still a little strange..i think.
It's true that when someone betrays your confidence or has disappointed you in some way things are never quite the same. trust is such a fragile thing and sometimes all you want to do is protect yourself. It's human nature. unconsciously, i screened whatever i said and it was for fear of being judged because you can sense it has happened one time too often. you know it when you seek solace or comfort in some form but walk away from the conversation feeling a lot worse or just plain misunderstood. And its times like those when you feel that perhaps people truly go through life alone. somehow, friendship is reciprocal and you cant really expect someone to be open with you when you close yourself up. It's magnified even more when there is judgement involved when the person does try to open up. What's scary is that i was never the most open person to begin with, and this perfectly exemplifies the idiomatic expression once bitten, twice shy. I tend to apply that so much. perhaps too much?
I do love their company, the bond as well as the history we share, which is what makes it hurt all the more. But as time passes, friends either grow with you or apart and it can't be helped that we have gravitated towards the latter.
i suppose i can view it as though it has evolved into a different form of friendship, and i'll wonder whether we really changed that much. Perhaps we all were just much simpler in the past.
Okay i feel better after this long and cryptic post :] See when all else fails, there's always LJ. lol.
I can no longer distinguish the present from the future and yet it is lasting, it is gradually fulfilling itself.. This is time, naked time. It comes slowly into existence, it keeps you waiting, and when it comes you are disgusted because you realize that it's been there already for a long time.
-Jean-Paul Sartre, 1938-
The future is today, and you sort of realise that hope is all but an illusion. it's true.
to you [though i doubt you'd ever read this]:
i know i abandoned the problem, and you as well, i'm not proud of it. what happened in the in-between? dad wonders how you turned out this way. It's not for the lack of trying. Rather, it's the character that's slowly killing you. I think you render all of us helpless as to what to do now.
I agree that a more forgiving sister would have been more accommodating and i'm sorry for that. now, i think i may have lost you forever.